This entry is a difficult one. My adult child has decided I was a terrible mother and wants nothing to do with me. I really don't understand, however, I did some research and have realized that this happens to a lot of parents. So I'm going to put it out here. I know there are parents living with this heartbreak. Some parents deserve being disowned, honestly. However, some really do not. A part of me is angry because I think its a cop out ~ the children blame how they are now on the parent. The operative word is NOW. I get it in a foreign way. My upbringing led me to the person I am today as all experiences do. However, I am responsible for the person I am NOW and only I have the power to change, grow and alter my existence. A part of me is hurt beyond repair. See...um...I was there. I brought that baby home, took that baby to Dr when sick, went to school events, made lunches, bought the school clothes, took them on vacation, held them when they were hurt, helped with homework and taught them how to take care of themselves. Read them books, sang to them at night. I picked them up when they cried, kissed the boo boo's. Later, I took friends to the movies, shopped, fed them. I did the best I could as a single mom and worked my ass off to afford a decent life for them. Yet it wasn't enough. Even then I felt like a failure at it because I didn't sign up to be a single mom but it was forced on me. Her father was a monster. He left me for drugs and a young piece of shit whore. I stayed the bigger person. I picked up all the pieces of our life after he sold everything we owned and drained our bank accounts. He destroyed everything in his path including bits and pieces of me. I didn't give up though. I saved my money, bought a little house, tried to live again. Now he gets glorified and I get to be the horrible parent. A part of me knows this is wrong! Yet a very real part of me feels responsible, guilty as though I didn't do enough or this wouldn't be happening. Today I am trying to live in a world without one of my children. It is the worst heartbreak I've ever felt, truly. It has turned my world a shade of grey. I walk through the day as a zombie sometimes and don't know how I'll get past the pain. I only hope my child can heal now that I've been cast me out of their life. It's hard to find peace here in this spot. I am trying. I will keep fighting the fight to pull myself into a place of peace. My child is part of my soul so its so very hard to do. I don't wish this on anyone. It's like a living death of sorts.
Posted at 10:08 am by itsmedownhome