December 1968  (Age 52)

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Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Crossing paths

You, too, can rise above. This past weekend I walked my first 5K. My husband didn't come to root me on or see me at the finish line. That stung just a bit. But you know what? I had friends rooting me on. I had supporters. My new friend text me her support before I started. When the race started I quickly fell back as my team mates moved up the hill at a fast pace. I felt deflated as I fell into line with the back of the pack. I ended up walking next to an 80+ man. We started talking and sometimes all you need is a connection with someone. He inspired me to step it up and move forward. I moved past him and up the hill. Later, coming around the bend I saw the water truck. Standing there was my friend who had been way up front of the pack. She waited for me so she could support and finish with me. We even jogged a bit in the end. She let me walk over the finish line first. It felt like a great accomplishment and I was able to mark that off my bucket list. Later, we took pictures with a group of friends who completed the race. Then I saw that old man standing alone. There was nobody around to support him and be at the finish line for him! So, I walked over and chatted with him, congratulated him and found out his stats before I went my own way. I hope that helped him in some way because he encouraged me and maybe both us felt less alone that day for having crossed paths.

Posted at 10:25 am by itsmedownhome
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Adult Children

This entry is a difficult one. My adult child has decided I was a terrible mother and wants nothing to do with me. I really don't understand, however, I did some research and have realized that this happens to a lot of parents. So I'm going to put it out here. I know there are parents living with this heartbreak. Some parents deserve being disowned, honestly. However, some really do not. A part of me is angry because I think its a cop out ~ the children blame how they are now on the parent. The operative word is NOW. I get it in a foreign way. My upbringing led me to the person I am today as all experiences do. However, I am responsible for the person I am NOW and only I have the power to change, grow and alter my existence. A part of me is hurt beyond repair. was there. I brought that baby home, took that baby to Dr when sick, went to school events, made lunches, bought the school clothes, took them on vacation, held them when they were hurt, helped with homework and taught them how to take care of themselves. Read them books, sang to them at night. I picked them up when they cried, kissed the boo boo's. Later, I took friends to the movies, shopped, fed them. I did the best I could as a single mom and worked my ass off to afford a decent life for them. Yet it wasn't enough. Even then I felt like a failure at it because I didn't sign up to be a single mom but it was forced on me. Her father was a monster. He left me for drugs and a young piece of shit whore. I stayed the bigger person. I picked up all the pieces of our life after he sold everything we owned and drained our bank accounts. He destroyed everything in his path including bits and pieces of me. I didn't give up though. I saved my money, bought a little house, tried to live again. Now he gets glorified and I get to be the horrible parent. A part of me knows this is wrong! Yet a very real part of me feels responsible, guilty as though I didn't do enough or this wouldn't be happening. Today I am trying to live in a world without one of my children. It is the worst heartbreak I've ever felt, truly. It has turned my world a shade of grey. I walk through the day as a zombie sometimes and don't know how I'll get past the pain. I only hope my child can heal now that I've been cast me out of their life. It's hard to find peace here in this spot. I am trying. I will keep fighting the fight to pull myself into a place of peace. My child is part of my soul so its so very hard to do. I don't wish this on anyone. It's like a living death of sorts.

Posted at 10:08 am by itsmedownhome
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A new friend was inquiring about possibly starting a blog. This blog is likely not the kind she's interested in. There are no advertisements and it doesn't make me any money. However, this blog does serve a purpose. It is to capture my own internal awakenings and setbacks. The awakenings have been about as slow as the time length between entries. I didn't just step back. I think fell back and I ran in the other direction. Maybe I thought I could start all over; a brand new life. As great as that sounds, the ghosts of the past follow. Sooner or later they step in the path and I'm forced to deal with them. One cannot outrun life; but the fool hardy like myself try. I struggle yet I find inspiration as well. Life isn't really about coming out on the other side. It's more a series of journeys. We find peace and breathe calm breaths at times. Sometimes we have to fight but the important thing is we don't quit at it and we learn how to face those ghosts and dissolve the hold they have on us.

Posted at 09:42 am by itsmedownhome
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Friday, June 16, 2017
Wow, Double Wow

I was surprised enough to realize this blogdrive site is still going! I was even more surprised to realize its been 6 years since I posted...double wow. Where did they time go? I can't fathom how it seemingly disappeared. I read the last two posts. Who was that person? I feel so different with each passing year. I know I'm the same underneath the drudgery of my cra8zlife but I don't feel the same. I can never just update you on what's happened. I got remarried, I experienced empty nest, I moved countless times searching for god knows what. I changed jobs several times. I both lost and gained weight. I went to concerts, I hid away from life, I grabbed it by its horns, I danced the night away, I slept the day away... yet..... I found my way back here. Wow. To this site. Writing. Still. Need. It. Double wow. I'm going to try and continue unveiling of my soul on paper. You with me?

Posted at 01:39 pm by itsmedownhome
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